Camping Wisdom and Humor:

Life Lessons:

Any stone in a hiking boot migrates to the point of maximum pressure.

The distance to a given camp site remains constant as twilight approaches.

The number of mosquitoes at any given location is inversely proportional to the amount of
repellent that remains.

The probability of diarrhea increases with the square of the thistle content of the local vegetation.

The area of level ground in the neighborhood tends to vanish as the need to make camp becomes finite.

In a mummy bag the urgency of ones need to urinate is inversely proportional to the amount of
clothing worn.

It is also inversely proportional to the temperature and the degree to which the mummy bag is completely zipped up.

Waterproof clothing isn't. (However, it is 100% effective at containing sweat).

The width of backpack straps decreases with the distance hiked.
To compensate, the weight of the backpack increases. Average temperature increases with the amount of clothing brought.

Tent stakes come only in the quantity "N-1" where N is the number of stakes necessary to stake
down a tent.

Given a chance, matches will find a way to get wet.

Your side of the tent is the side that leaks.

All foods assume a uniform taste, texture, and color when freeze-dried.
Divide the number of servings by two when reading the directions for reconstituting anything

When reading the instructions of a pump-activated water filter, "hour" should be substituted for "minute" when reading the average quarts filtered per minute.

The weight in a backpack can never remain uniformly distributed.

All tree branches in a forest grow outward from their respective trunks at exactly the height of your nose.

You will lose the little toothpick in your Swiss Army knife as soon as you open the box.


Enough dirt will get tracked into the tent on the first day out, that you can grow the food you need
for the rest of the trip in rows between sleeping bags.

When camping in late fall or winter, your underwear will stay at approximately 35.702 degrees Kelvin
no matter how long you keep it in your sleeping bag with you.


The sun sets three-and-a-half times faster than normal when you're trying to set up camp.

Tents never come apart as easily when you're leaving a site as when you're trying to get them
set up in the first place.

When planning to take time off of work/school for your camping trip, always add an extra week, because when you get home from your "vacation" you'll be too tired to go back for a week after.

A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.

You can compress the diameter of your rolled up sleeping bag by running over it with your car.

Some first time campers from the city were on a camping trip. The mosquitoes were so fierce, the guys had to hide under their blankets to avoid being bitten. Then one of them saw some lightning bugs and said to his friend, "We might as well give up. They’re coming after us with flashlights."

Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping.
Shine a flashlight into one ear.
If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip.
After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?", Holmes asked.

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell YOU?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
"Watson, you idiot. Some jerk has stolen our tent."


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